Both /And

She’s wiggling and tumbling like mad right now! I can feel movement in 4 completely different places… all in rapid succession. I’m trying to figure out which direction she’s facing and which body part it is that is thumping against the inside of my right rib and which part is hitting right by my stomach. If only I had x-ray vision… I could figure out what’s going on in there. She was poking me pretty hard the other day, and Grant got to feel her move for the first time! She is one strong chica (and did I mention smart, beautiful and compassionate? I can tell by the way she moves)!

It’s Friday evening and I decided not to do anything social… or really anything at all tonight. I’m feeling okay at this moment- but it was a pretty rough week. My brain was fogged over, I was dizzy, nauseous, tired, behind at work, and food was not kind to me. I made lots of frustrating and inconvenient mistakes- like missing appointments, forgetting my lunch, locking my keys in the car, and losing my wallet… and that was just Monday. So I think I’ll take it easy tonight.

Perhaps it was the papaya enzymes I took today, or the acupuncture I tried yesterday, or maybe God had mercy on my nauseous soul… but today I have actually felt alright. I even stayed at work late because I don’t know when I’ll feel like this again. I don’t by any means feel good, or normal… but I’ll take it. The hurricane inside my torso has calmed down into a whirlpool confined to my stomach.

I’m just going to sit here tonight and “be in the moment.” I’m going to enjoy the twitches and thrashes, the whirlpool that’s not a hurricane, and the fact that I can sleep in tomorrow. I’m dreaming of Thanksgiving when I can mix my corn with my mashed potatoes. I’m also dreaming of March 2011 when I can hold my baby and not feel the world swirling.

The more I think about it, the more I’ve realized that this pregnancy is a “both/and” phenomenon (rather than an “either/or” phenomenon). When I mention I am sick, often times helpful people tell me that I should be or will be happy or grateful. Then I get confused because I thought I was happy.

I’m learning the reality of the situation is that I am both delighted and miserable/ both anxious to be done and enjoying the process/ both crawling slowly and flying fast/ both intrigued and bored/ both laughing and retching/both tired and sick/ both loving this and loathing this. It’s both, I tell ya!

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