I was supposed to return to work last week- but instead I resigned.
It was a hard decision because I liked my job and the sense of purpose and passion that came along with it. Also, I’m not good at structuring copious amounts of free time. I don’t like to think about all of the time, tears, and money I spent earning my master’s degree and struggling to get a job in a terrible economy, and the fact that I still am “unlicensed” so getting a job in the future will likely be just as hard. Staying home with a baby can get lonely and I’m not the type that feels intrinsically satisfied or challenged by accomplishing things like laundry, dusting, vacuuming, cooking…. actually just typing those words gives me the sense that the walls are closing in on me.
But, nonetheless, I decided to resign. Staring at Adelaide’s face is as mesmerizing and entrancing as staring into a fire- but it brings me more joy (than staring at a fire). I want to cherish these first months for the gifts that they are. My mom reminded me that I have my whole life to work… so I just keep reminding myself of that. I don’t think it would have been harmful for Adelaide to be in daycare… actually I have fond memories of my childhood babysitters. I was able to play with friends, do activities, build forts, and try to stay upright in a red wagon that was toppling down a steep hill- you know, that type of thing. Adelaide’s a little young for that stuff just yet of course, but the point is- I don’t have anything against it. I just couldn’t do it. I was too physically tired from lack of sleep to think about going back to work, daycare is unreasonably priced (especially when I work in the non-profit sector), and I simply don’t want to miss out on all these firsts and all the opportunities to stare at her lovely face. Seriously, her smile could probably melt the heart of a cold blooded killer.
So, while Adelaide’s learning to gurgle, coo, smile, reach for objects, and nap – I’ll be learning to manage my time wisely, prioritize, socialize, and be okay with telling people that I’m a “stay at home mom” (albeit one who feels strongly that women should not be expected to forsake all gifts and talents to do laundry and make poached eggs- this is not the lesson I want to teach Adelaide either). Please don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful that I have the opportunity to have stay home with my little bundle… I just have qualms about it based on my personality type.
Wish me luck! Or better yet, pray I don’t waste away, lose my mind, or become a hermit crab.