I’m not even sure how long I’ve been sitting in my living room in the dark trying to get comfortable/ turn off my brain/ get sleepy/ write this sentence. Before that I was in my bed for a few hours attempting the same (except for the writing part). Last night was similar and before that… I can’t quite remember. Today is my first day of the 3rd trimester and it seems Insomnia has found me again (a little earlier this time). As Dora would say, “That sneaky fox!”
On my short list of favorable pregnancy symptoms is a new found focus. I had the odd experience of finding a to do list in my coat pocket from a few days past and realizing that I had completed every single item on the list. I don’t know if that’s ever happened to me before. I’m making appointments, putting them on the calendar, planning ahead, cleaning the bathroom, staying on top of documentation at work, filing taxes, organizing closets. It’s crazy! I’ve wondered several times if this is how normal people operate most of the time. Maybe these pregnancy hormones are kicking in to help me prepare for this new life and giving me a taste of what it’s like to be more organized.
The only part I don’t like about it is the feeling that there is always more to do. As soon as I complete one item, I am on to the next and feel a bit panicked that the list keeps getting longer. I feel like I can’t sleep because I’m… well I’m itchy, heavy, and can’t breathe very well… but also because there’s so much to do and my brain won’t stop obsessing about the next thing I could be doing. I almost did a workout last night at 2am but I stopped myself because I was realizing that it was time to rest and that I need to work on being content with what I can and can’t get done in a day.
I’m tyring to intentionally counteract the turbo-powered-nesting-instinct and just be present in each moment as they come. I’m trying not to be too focused on what’s happening in less than 3 months (although I am so, so excited) and not too focused on what I didn’t finish yesterday. I just want to be grateful for this moment in which can feel my contacts getting stale, and I can hear the trains rumbling by, the dog’s heavy breathing and the clock ticking. This moment in which my womb baby is flipping and my girl baby is probably nestled in one small corner of her crib… blanket kicked off and boppy (aka pacifier) near. This moment in which the heartburn I felt earlier is subsiding and the nausea that seems to always be with me may just be taking a little nap.
And for my next trick, I will be attempting to fall asleep. Again.
p.s. I remembered that I posted about insomnia during my last pregnancy 2 years ago, so I searched back in the archives and lo and behold… I posted in on this EXACT day 2 years ago. Must be something about February 10th and me being awake thinking about being awake!